I want to start off by introducing myself. My name is
Machelle Johnson. I am happily married to my best friend Benjamin Johnson. I am
a mother of 3 beautiful children, Kolton (7), Kairi (5) and Edward (2). I work
as a CNA in an Assisted Facility. My major hobbies are crochet and Anime. I
attend Salt Lake Community College on my way to being a RN in Labor and
Delivery.
The
stresses of every day life definitely weigh on me. Working Full time and being
the sole provider for the family. My husband is incapable of working currently
due to health issues. The one benefit of that is that He can be home with the
kids and we do not have to pay for day care. I love taking care of the
residents and view them as my adopted grandparents. It’s a very rewarding job
and also is a high stress job. We have a saying on our board that reads “Behind
every great Nurse is a running CNA” and I totally agree to this! There is not a
day where I am able to sit for more than 30 min max. I got a recent promotion
as Care Coordinator. Being the boss added more stress and worry that if I mess
up it will reflect the whole facility.
Adding
school on top of this work load has been very hard. I understand the need to
study. Both my classes are online, so I may choose when I do my homework. When
I come home from work, I usually cannot do my classwork right away because of
my children. Not only with the noise level but with also making sure I keep them fed. I work hard after they go to bed to meet my deadlines and
stay on top of my classwork. I stress the importance of doing my classwork
knowing my goals for the future. I want to make a healthy living for my
children.
When I
can I enjoy doing crochet and even have an Etsy shop (KuteCraftyKrochet). It
brings peace of mind and relaxes me when I am high strung. I think about all
the things I can do and how they are appreciated by many. I add my second hobby
along with my crochet, Anime. Watching videos and crocheting are the perfect
duo! I am able to immerse myself into the shows as I relax enjoy time for
myself.
What if
we were to add Depression and Anxiety to the mixture? I have never been
diagnosed with either. Self proclaimed is a good description. Pulling out all
the signs. I notice myself randomly being sad and not wanting to do anything. I
frequently stare off and dwell in my own thoughts, thinking what if its my
fault for all our hardships in life? What if I do something wrong and we end up
becoming homeless? Why don’t we ever have enough money to take vacations? Why
do we always get stuck at home? Why can’t we ever find babysitters? The list is
endless and I could go for hours on this subject alone.
My
Anxiety flares up hours before having to leave anywhere. Feeling like we are
going to be late (which with 3 kids happens frequently). Anxiety before taking
tests is a real struggle. Anxiety over work with double checking and triple
checking that I’m doing everything correctly. My heart races and I start to
pace in these situations. I feel like this is why I forget so many things at
home because I’m trying to rush out the door and not be late.
Today I
am having one of those days. It started with work, had an amazing date with my
husband. After the date I felt super anxious to get home to our son and just
wanted to get take out rather than eat in the restaurant. My husband had to
convince me that it will be fine to eat in and that we wouldn’t be more than 30
min. After picking up our son I felt a little at ease and was able to take a
small nap. Then after waking up the depression kicked in. During my staring off
I felt impressed that I needed to write my feelings down, so here I am. I
thought of maybe doing a live video just talking but my anxiety wouldn’t let
me. I feel more comfortable in writing, there is no pressure of people looking
at me. Maybe judging me of my appearances. If I were to get distracted by a
depression moment, I won’t be viewed by people wondering why I’m not speaking.
I feel
it very hard to have these weigh down on my considering me being a mom. I love
my children and never have thought of leaving them without a mother. I cherish
the moments we have together. Even the moments where they are annoying me
beyond belief and pushing my buttons. When the depression hits, I have no
desire to cook, making me worry about my children’s nutrition. The older 2 are
fantastic about letting me know they are hungry, resulting in me getting up to
feed them something simple. I know that there will be more to come with this
but here is my story for today.
Life of
a struggling nerdy momma.
