Intro

I want to start off by introducing myself. My name is Machelle Johnson. I am happily married to my best friend Benjamin Johnson. I am a mother of 3 beautiful children, Kolton (7), Kairi (5) and Edward (2). I work as a CNA in an Assisted Facility. My major hobbies are crochet and Anime. I attend Salt Lake Community College on my way to being a RN in Labor and Delivery.

               The stresses of every day life definitely weigh on me. Working Full time and being the sole provider for the family. My husband is incapable of working currently due to health issues. The one benefit of that is that He can be home with the kids and we do not have to pay for day care. I love taking care of the residents and view them as my adopted grandparents. It’s a very rewarding job and also is a high stress job. We have a saying on our board that reads “Behind every great Nurse is a running CNA” and I totally agree to this! There is not a day where I am able to sit for more than 30 min max. I got a recent promotion as Care Coordinator. Being the boss added more stress and worry that if I mess up it will reflect the whole facility.

               Adding school on top of this work load has been very hard. I understand the need to study. Both my classes are online, so I may choose when I do my homework. When I come home from work, I usually cannot do my classwork right away because of my children. Not only with the noise level but with also making sure I keep them fed. I work hard after they go to bed to meet my deadlines and stay on top of my classwork. I stress the importance of doing my classwork knowing my goals for the future. I want to make a healthy living for my children.

               When I can I enjoy doing crochet and even have an Etsy shop (KuteCraftyKrochet). It brings peace of mind and relaxes me when I am high strung. I think about all the things I can do and how they are appreciated by many. I add my second hobby along with my crochet, Anime. Watching videos and crocheting are the perfect duo! I am able to immerse myself into the shows as I relax enjoy time for myself.

               What if we were to add Depression and Anxiety to the mixture? I have never been diagnosed with either. Self proclaimed is a good description. Pulling out all the signs. I notice myself randomly being sad and not wanting to do anything. I frequently stare off and dwell in my own thoughts, thinking what if its my fault for all our hardships in life? What if I do something wrong and we end up becoming homeless? Why don’t we ever have enough money to take vacations? Why do we always get stuck at home? Why can’t we ever find babysitters? The list is endless and I could go for hours on this subject alone.

               My Anxiety flares up hours before having to leave anywhere. Feeling like we are going to be late (which with 3 kids happens frequently). Anxiety before taking tests is a real struggle. Anxiety over work with double checking and triple checking that I’m doing everything correctly. My heart races and I start to pace in these situations. I feel like this is why I forget so many things at home because I’m trying to rush out the door and not be late.

               Today I am having one of those days. It started with work, had an amazing date with my husband. After the date I felt super anxious to get home to our son and just wanted to get take out rather than eat in the restaurant. My husband had to convince me that it will be fine to eat in and that we wouldn’t be more than 30 min. After picking up our son I felt a little at ease and was able to take a small nap. Then after waking up the depression kicked in. During my staring off I felt impressed that I needed to write my feelings down, so here I am. I thought of maybe doing a live video just talking but my anxiety wouldn’t let me. I feel more comfortable in writing, there is no pressure of people looking at me. Maybe judging me of my appearances. If I were to get distracted by a depression moment, I won’t be viewed by people wondering why I’m not speaking.

               I feel it very hard to have these weigh down on my considering me being a mom. I love my children and never have thought of leaving them without a mother. I cherish the moments we have together. Even the moments where they are annoying me beyond belief and pushing my buttons. When the depression hits, I have no desire to cook, making me worry about my children’s nutrition. The older 2 are fantastic about letting me know they are hungry, resulting in me getting up to feed them something simple. I know that there will be more to come with this but here is my story for today.

               Life of a struggling nerdy momma.